How Anti-Anxiety Medication Gave Me My Life Back

When my therapist first suggested using anti-anxiety medication, I was afraid of becoming a different person. What happened instead was that I actually found myself again.

Let me explain.

I always took pride in being resilient in the face of life’s challenges. Fall nine times, get up ten. A good traditional New England upbringing will instill that in you. I noticed, however, that after a while, each time I got back up, I lost a little bit of the sparkle that I had had before. I began seeing a talk therapist after a couple of miscarriages to work through the grief. When I did get pregnant, I was paralyzed by fear. I’m an avid runner, but I found myself unable to handle walking to the end of our block for fear that something would go wrong.

Toughing It Out

When my therapist brought up anti-anxiety medication, I was incredulous. I thought she was giving up on me, implying that I couldn’t pull myself out of this on my own. Implying that I wasn’t strong enough. So, I doubled down and became the best “therapy student” I could be. I did the guided meditations, the yoga, the breathing, and the gratitude journals.

And yet.

Postpartum anxiety was even worse. I obsessively tracked wet diapers and got mad if my husband tried to change them himself (the audacity!). That’s when my therapist brought up medication again.

I changed therapists.

Then came another baby with a whole new cycle of perinatal and postpartum anxiety. Then I had a few personal health hiccups, with weekly appointments for bloodwork and imaging and long waits for test results. Thankfully, everything came back clear, but the emotional damage had been done. Suddenly, I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t catch my breath.

That’s when another therapist gently brought up medication. “You need a break,” she said. With that permission, I immediately started crying with relief. I did need a break. I wasn’t enjoying motherhood because I was anxious all the time. I felt frustrated and irritated easily. I wasn’t present at all. A “break” sounded lovely.

Relief

It didn’t happen overnight. However, eventually, I noticed myself coming back. One day, getting my kids out the door didn’t feel as daunting as it did before. When my kids got fussy or were fighting, I felt more patient and even amused. I stopped picking fights with my husband. Every once in a while, a trigger would come up, but since I was regulated, I had a clear head and was able to calm my fears. I’d been afraid of feeling like a zombie or feeling numb. That never happened. I just felt less panicked all the time, which allowed me to actually be the mom, wife, and friend that I wanted to be all along.

I also noticed that I wasn’t alone. The more I opened up about it, the more I realized how common anti-anxiety medication was. My friends started sharing their experiences. I would never tell my tough, resilient friends that medication was them “giving in,” so why had I been saying that to myself?

It feels a little indulgent to be sharing my experiences without giving concrete advice. The truth is, I can’t say whether or not anti-anxiety medication is right for you. That’s a decision that you have to make with your healthcare provider. However, what I can tell you is that you are not alone. If your mental health is impacting your ability to enjoy everyday things, please know that there is help available, and it isn’t on you to handle it by yourself.

This article is a fantastic resource on helping to navigate the difference between post-partum depression and baby blues. If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health crisis, visit the 988 hotline website or simply call 988.