An abundance of growing research is showing the favorable impact optimism has on our happiness, physical health, and even our lifespan. There is no shortage of stress on children today. Therefore, having our kids learn to be optimistic offers a critical protective mechanism. Just like exercising yields physical strength, practicing positivity can help our kids develop a more optimistic outlook. Here are some tips for raising more positive kids.
Express gratitude
In the midst of busy schedules and growing to-do lists, take time to practice gratitude. Find a few minutes to ask your kids, “What made you smile today?” or “What was the best part of your day?” Share some of your own examples with your kids. Right before bed is often a natural time to incorporate this for younger children. You can also record what kids are grateful for in a gratitude notebook or on slips stored in a Mason jar. Taking time to honor the joy in each day creates the mindset to expect and look for moments of positivity.
Model positive self-talk
How we talk about events strongly impacts our emotional responses. Kids are always listening to adults, making it essential to be aware of the language we are modeling. Despite practicing psychology for a long time, modeling positive language doesn’t always come naturally to me. I am comically aware of this each time I attempt to make pancakes. When a flip lands correctly I cheer myself on, and I try to model positive self-talk when it doesn’t go well. I tell my kids, “I’ll get it next time” or “Don’t worry. It will still taste great.”
For kids who have reoccurring stress triggers, it can be beneficial to help them come up with a way to talk through situations. For example, a child who gets anxious before tests may use statements such as, “I studied a lot. I can try my best. I will do the easy problems first. If I get anxious I will use my breathing strategies.” If the script is practiced when the child is calm, they are more likely to be able to access it in moments of stress.
Teach kids it is natural to have some negative thoughts
Negative thoughts are completely normal. In fact, in some instances they function to protect us from real danger. Negative thoughts become problematic when they are overly intense or disproportionate to the situation. Reoccurring negative thinking can cause kids to believe things that are untrue and can make them feel stuck. We can help kids get unstuck by modeling a different way to think about the problem and assisting them in seeing that a thought is irrational.
I once had a student who spelled a word incorrectly on his spelling test and was stuck thinking he was a terrible speller. We gathered his spelling tests, counted all the words he had spelled correctly and calculated this as a percentage, which came out to over 95%. This exercise helped him to see how the evidence didn’t support how hard he was being on himself. Another effective prompt is, “What would you say to cheer up a friend in your situation?” Often when kids can approach the problem from a removed perspective they can think more flexibly.
Use redirection
If you have a child who ruminates when they are upset, you do not want to leave them to their own devices to take a break. Instead, engage them in an activity that requires some level of concentration, making it challenging for them to participate in the activity and simultaneously worry. Some examples are word searches, I Spy books, dot-to-dots, crosswords, building, and reading aloud. The goal of the activity is to interrupt the cycle of negative thinking so the child can engage in problem solving.
Emphasize what kids have control over
Changing your thinking is different than being able to control the situation. Kids have a lot that is beyond their control so it is important to highlight the things they do have influence over such as eating healthy and exercising. They can also control what they say, what they think, their ability to perform acts of kindness, and who they spend time with. For some kids it is helpful to present this information visually and write out what they can and can’t control. This way they can spend their time focusing on what they can change and not waste time on what they can’t.
Help kids connect actions and mood
Have a way of checking in and proactively assessing your child’s mood. At my school we use the Zones of Regulation Program, which has zones associated with groups of feelings. No zone is wrong or negative. It’s about how to support kids in each zone. You can help your children identify patterns between their moods and actions. Sometimes I have kids write on one side of the page how they are feeling and on the other side what they have been doing. This helps deepen their knowledge of what habits contribute to their mood.
Practice mindfulness
Often children with depression ruminate on the past and children with anxiety perseverate on the future. Mindfulness is about being in the present moment and focusing on what is actually happening around you. You could take a mindful walk with your child and ask them to describe what they see, hear, smell, touch and taste. Focusing on breathing is another way to ground a child in the present moment. I love to use these breathing mazes as a way to support children’s awareness of their breath. Using guided imagery and meditations can also be tools for children to focus on feelings of calm and safety in the present moment.
As you seek to make these changes, remember to give yourself and your children grace. Seeing the bright side takes practice, patience, and sustained effort, but it will be worth it.
