“In media sex, bodies are perfect and no one is ever too stressed, too tired, or too ill to engage in it. Partners are always eager, no discussion is needed, no one struggles to become aroused, no one objects to the mess, no one has to find a babysitter, no one has to set the mood, no one is affected by her menstrual cycle, and everyone has fantastic orgasms” (Rosenau, 2002).
Even though we know “it’s just a movie,” we tend to believe this is normal. We measure our relationship by this standard. But moms know that intimacy when you have young children can be a real challenge. Understanding the three different types of desire can make a tremendous difference in the conflict of desire discrepancy that couples can experience.
Initiating Desire
This is when you feel the feels and look for your partner. This is the one that most people assume is the “right” or “normal” desire. If one of us isn’t initiating, we assume something is wrong with them or that the other is not desirable. With that mindset, there is a problem. While in fact, there might be a problem, usually it’s a “wrong-think” issue. It’s an issue of not understanding each other and not knowing how to communicate about it.
Receptive Desire
This is when you are open to the idea of sex but aren’t thinking about it. It’s not until someone initiates or there is some other trigger to start thinking about it that the person starts to desire sex. When one person has one type of desire and the other person has the other type of desire, we get that “wrong-think” again. He thinks something is wrong with her and she thinks something is wrong with him, as in, his libido is too high or she doesn’t have any.
Resistant/Blocked Desire
This is when someone is actively resistant to sex. They are unwilling to engage, consistently avoid sex, or they fear or hate sex. In this case, please consider seeing a therapist who specializes not just in couples therapy, but in sex therapy. Be sure they have proper licensure and certification, like here, or here, or you can connect directly with Tracy here.
Back to initiating and receptive desire…
When the person initiating experiences rejection, instead of thinking, “My partner doesn’t want sex right now,” they think, “My partner doesn’t want me.” Meanwhile, their partner may be thinking, “They don’t want me, they just want sex.”
When the person with receptive desire actually does initiate, instead of their partner thinking, “They love me and they want to show me love,” they may think, “They are only initiating to check the box.”
Instead of seeing different desire types as a problem, or having repeated conflict over desire discrepancy, we can see it as an opportunity to grow together.
What can we do about this?
Knowledge is power. Be open to the fact that there are different types of desire. Understand that it doesn’t mean one of you loves more or less and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with one of you.
Talk about it. The research is clear. Couples who talk more about sex and have more sex are more satisfied sexually and happier in their marriage.
If one of you is experiencing resistant (or blocked) desire, talk about it and decide if you think you can work on it between just the two of you, or if professional help would be best. Remember, this is not a “her” or “his” issue; it’s a couple’s issue. Sexual intimacy is deeply personal and something you share with your partner, so you both need to be engaged in the assessment and solution.
Be careful about talking to your friends. It’s not between you and your friends. If you are trying to get a sense of “Am I/are we normal?,” consider reading Secrets of Sex & Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference. Asking your friends is only going to give you the same wrong-think that you may already have, as in, “All guys want is sex.”
Another important point to remember about those guys who “just want sex” is that that’s not actually true. Most men are deeply motivated to please their partner sexually. Sex isn’t just how they feel love, it’s how they show love.
It’s easy to let division set in, but remember, you are on the same team. If you are struggling with intimacy issues that feel too hard to solve on your own, ask for help from a qualified professional.
Rosenau, D.E. (2002). A Celebration of Sex. Thomas Nelson. p. 214.
