Moms, does it seem like arousal comes so easily to your partner, but not for you? Read on for easy fixes to four of the most overlooked barriers to female arousal.
1. “I’m freezing!”
The ideal temperature range for great sex is between 69 and 72 degrees. Are you making love over or under the covers? Is it slow and quiet, or hot and steamy? “No-body” wants to be shivering and “no-body” wants to be sweating. When we are cold, our body wants to recoil and cover up, and when we are hot, we want to push away.
Easy Fixes
- Turn up the thermostat one hour before heading to your room of passion. If you do not have a thermostat in your bedroom and don’t want to heat a larger area of your house, invest in a small space heater like this one. You can quickly heat your room and then turn it off. Some are going to balk at the energy cost. I get it, but don’t let the temperature in the room interfere.
- Wear socks. They aren’t a huge fashion statement in the bedroom. But seriously, for the sake of comfort and your arousal process, you can learn to love them if they make a difference.
2. “What if our child comes in?”
Men worry less than women about the risk of a walk-in. Women worry more and struggle to get their arousal process going or re-started if they are uneasy and can’t relax. (The “family bed” and “co-sleeping” are topics that are too big to address here, so please keep that in mind as you read on.)
Easy Fix
- If your issue is one of worrying that a good sleeper or older child will innocently appear at your bedside in the middle of the night and you just need some peace of mind and an extra minute to make yourselves decent, consider a privacy lock like this one. It’s easy to change out a doorknob and it won’t break the bank.
3. “I’m stuffed!”
You and your partner schedule a babysitter, choose a nice restaurant, and thoroughly enjoy your meal. The meal is typically indulgent, high fat, high calorie, or a larger portion than you usually eat. Feeling slow, sleepy, and bloated follows. Consumption of alcohol, and of course, drugs, can also impact how you feel.
Easy Fix
- Plan your date so that your lovemaking precedes the meal, or chose your meal more carefully.
4. “Your hands are too rough.”
The body remembers. Many of our men work with their hands. Whether a mechanic, carpenter, or guitar player, people who work with their hands can develop calluses and rough hands. We love our hard-working men, but their rough skin will not work in bed. Eczema can also be an issue for both men and women. The body will be on guard for an uncomfortable sensation and you will not be able to fully relax.
Easy Fixes
- Men, wear gloves that are appropriate for the work you do.
- If you can’t keep your hands smooth, wear gloves in the marriage bed. Just like with socks, some people are going to have a hard time getting past the look of the gloves. If the “doctor” fantasy turns you on, this will work out well for you. If not, you just need to let it go. The benefits should outweigh the difficulty in getting past it, and a gloved massage with the right gloves and oil can be a great experience.
- Here is an example of gloves that have worked for romance. With these gloves, make sure they fit properly, close to your skin, so they won’t slip around on your hands. Also, turn them inside out. There is a slight texture for grip on the outside of the fingers, but on the inside, they are silky and slippery even without oil, so wear them inside out.
If any of these barriers are present for you, share this article with your partner so that you can talk about it and solve it. If he wants you to be turned on and more engaged in your sex life, he will listen.
Guys, if you are reading this, listen! Even though these might not be barriers for you, take her seriously when she says they are barriers for her.
As mentioned in previous posts, like this and this, open communication is so important and will enhance your sex life and deepen your relationship. Stay tuned to Cape Cod Moms for more on these topics, and if you are struggling, please connect with Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, or another certified sex therapist.
